I love submissives! Men, women, trans, non-binary, one and all, but there often seems to be confusion between being submissive and lacking in self agency. Just because you are submissive does not mean that you have no preferences, that you have no limits, that you have no boundaries.
If you are new to kink and don’t know what any of those are for you as an individual, it is still 100% up to you to do research and discover them and do some self-work. Leaving all of this up to someone else, be it a vanilla partner, a dominant, a switch, does not make you submissive because you do not understand, and therefore do not properly consent, to what you are submitting to.
In fact, when you enter a dynamic with the belief that you need to be led and taught you are not submitting, but demanding from an entitled perspective or stance that your journey be up to, and the responsibility of, someone else. When you approach a dynamic this way you are not offering anything, you are claiming and taking.
A true submissive understands that the role of both partners is to mutually and collaboratively create the boundaries of the dynamic and gently push and prod and tease them. But without the structure, without these rules, without these sets of mutual understandings, it is chaos, and all of the onus falls on the dominant, or experienced, partner, which is incredibly unfair.
Now, I have chosen to start doing this for money and so I have no problem helping someone on their journey to discover what works and what does not work for them. In fact, a pro is perfect for that, but that is where the money comes in, because if you are unable to even understand yourself as a submissive then you are expecting others to read your mind and anticipate fantasies and needs that you haven’t even bothered to think about. Asking someone who is not a sex worker to accomplish this great task is setting you up for failure. You want to set yourself up for success in any of your relationships, particularly if you are a submissive male seeking a dominant female.
It is my understanding of the community, and all of the comments and messages I receive, that there is an issue of supply. There are not enough femdoms (at least not those that most men consider true femdoms, but that’s a whole other post), so you have to do the work. You have to stand out from the constate deluge of messages we receive. Finding us is not the problem, standing out from the rest is. You have to do the preliminary work.
And the preliminary work is not just what you see in porn or on Reddit or Twitter or Fetlife, or even in my own content. I am a Dominatrix and a content creator and I receive many messages saying something akin to “I’ll do whatever you want”, “I’ll let you peg me”, “I’ll let you put me in chastity”. All these things are from your understanding that the content we sell online is what we want. And, trust me, it’s certainly what I often want, but far from something I need.
If I am creating that content pegging content, particularly with various co-creators, you offering to let me peg you is not something new, is not something I need, is not something that is going to set you apart from the partners, play partners, and clients that I already have, nor from anyone else.
What can you offer that others can’t? What you can offer, first and foremost, that no one else will ever be able to offer is an honest and evolved glimpse into your own mind and your own needs. Sadly, though, many people are waiting to be shown, to be told. No one but you can discover these things.
Start there, start with yourself.
What can you offer? What do you need? What do you like? Where are your areas for growth and what do you absolutely refuse to do?
Even within professional/service exchange dynamics, BDSM is all about negotiation. Where are the comfort zones? Where are the tantalizing and titillating boundaries and fantasies? And what are the things that should not be tried, or should not be approached at that moment in time?
If you are incapable of negotiating some of the simple things: your limits, your current wants and needs, and what you’re currently willing or unwilling to try, then you’re not offering even the basics of BDSM negotiation.
And again this is not to discourage or to put anyone down, but it is to show you what the most minuscule of expectations are from any true individual of the kink community that you have messaged, and from whom you are hoping to actually receive a response. For interactions to turn into something you need to know yourself enough in order to show relevant interest and to make enough space to know the other person, because otherwise you are not offering submission. You are not serving, you are not worshiping, you are just taking energy and time from others while offering nothing in return.
Unless you’re willing to pay, it is no one’s job but your own to figure out what your needs, fantasies, and limits are. You are your own responsibility and if you cannot be responsible for yourself and maintain agency for your needs, desires, and behaviors, you will not be a good partner, regardless of what dynamic label you choose or strive for.
The point, sweet ones, is not to “find” a partner but to be someone that is worthy of being found. Find yourself first, then come out to play.
Forehead Kisses,
Scarlett Kage
Scarlett Kage 