Advice for a young male sub(s)…
While I do not often engage in chit chat or discussions online once you get to know me, either through events or through becoming a client, I become much more generous with my time and attention. I recently had a young client reach out asking for advice, and his questions were so commonplace, so universal in the search for a kinky romantic partner, that I felt it would be a good idea to share with a larger audience.
I wanted to include his original message as part of this post because it is a great example of how to dig deep, how to communicate, and how to address asking for a Dominatrix’s time outside of a session.
Here is his original message (screenshot of the FetLife message included):
Hey Scarlett, hope you’re having a great Friday. I really enjoyed our last session and it was just the right scene and everything just felt right about it. I was incredibly nervous and was thinking about canceling before it but I’m really glad I didn’t. I’ve been thinking about some things you said. I’m seeking some advice here.
You’ve mentioned that a mommy dom is what would be ideal for me in a romantic relationship. I think you are absolutely right. How would I know if someone is into that? Can you think of any personality traits that come to mind that I should look for? And how should I bring it up to them if they don’t have a clue about anything bdsm related? How could I talk about it without sounding creepy?
Thank you so much for offering this type of service. You really are one of the nicest (and scariest! 😆) people I’ve met. If there’s anything I can do during scenes that would be helpful for you please let me know. I acknowledge that our relationship here is platonic/client based and I won’t text you unless I’m inquiring about a session moving forward. I want to to know that I respect your time.
…and here is my response:
Hey!
I’m very glad you didn’t cancel. Even after our first session I knew that the dynamic you were looking for was more of a strict, but nurturing, Mommy Domme.
Before I give you my answer and advice, I want to thank you! First, for asking this question and seeking answers rather than going out into the world and demanding that women fit your needs. And second, for openly acknowledging the nature of our relationship. While I do enjoy our sessions and talking with you outside of them, our dynamic is a temporary step on your way to what you ultimately need. Keeping that in mind will help us both greatly moving forward.
You and I live in a society where we are minorities, and often looked at askance by the general population. You as a male submissive, and I as a female dominant. The chances of us finding romantic partners that fit our very real needs outside of the BDSM community are very, very low. Furthermore, going out into the vanilla world and being vulnerably open with these needs can be risky to our mental health and potentially our livelihoods.
Now, I’m not saying that there are no “vanilla” women out there who would be open to exploring this dynamic, just that you would need to tread very lightly. And not just for you. The same way that you are exploring your wants and needs, someone unfamiliar with BDSM in general, not to mention this particular dynamic, would need time for self-exploration as well. If you were to meet someone who was open minded and wanted to engage and explore this dynamic, there would still be the chance that it would not work for them, and you would need to respect their needs and desires even if they turned out to be in opposition to yours.
My advice to you is:
- to keep doing what you’ve been doing. Keep going to munches, keep exploring the local kinky community, keep meeting people.
- to own your (currently preferred) label! If you think that this role of a baby boy is what you need, put that on your profile! Find related groups, and learn more about this dynamic. There is a higher chance of finding people with the same interests if you explore and interact with those interests.
- if you want to cast a wider net, try Feeld, Hinge, Bumble (there are many apps out there). These dating apps are more kink and female friendly and the truth is that you are looking for a female Switch or Dominant. Label yourself as kinky, kink-friendly, or male submissive in these apps and be explicit about what you can offer in such a dynamic. Too many men give a shopping list of what they want without giving any hint as to who they themselves are as individuals, and many femmes see this as a red flag.
- Improve your skill set! If you end up with someone who leans more on the Switch side, you will need to explore a more dominant role in order to make sure that your partner’s needs are met as well. Improve your communication skills–not just expressing what you need from a relationship and a dynamic (they are not the same thing!), but listening to what your partner needs as well and navigating both of your needs and abilities and boundaries. Compromises will always need to be made.
- Focus on what you can offer to a partner and, therefore, the type of partner you are looking for. You’ve done some service oriented tasks for me, if that’s something that you enjoy and gain meaning from, explore that further. My Mommy/baby boy relationship started out because he is a service sub and therefore our relationship revolves around mutually caring for each other. I know that in our geographical area, domestic service subs are very hard to find! For this, think about what you get out of your ideal dynamic and how you can instill the same feeling of being cared for in your partner.
As for the personality traits to look for… there is no way to know. People, femmes in particular, are complex. You know only one part of me; I can be shy and quiet in certain situations as well. In fact, many people who are dominant in the bedroom are often more quiet and amenable in their day to day lives. Others are not. The main personality trait that I would suggest you look for is someone who can communicate well. You do not want to become involved with someone that plays the role you want just because they can’t express their own wants and desires, that dynamic will only end in resentment.
Regardless, approach someone ready to provide concrete examples of how this dynamic could be mutually beneficial for the two of you. You want to be disciplined and coddled in play, what can you offer to counter that work that they will put in for your needs? Will you be the doting boy that does chores, gives them plenty of compliments, maybe foot rubs and massages when they are stressed?
Be open minded and willing to negotiate in a way that is caring and respectful of boundaries, both yours and theirs. And keep an eye out for this willingness in whoever might become a potential play partner and, hopefully, romantic partner.
Please let me know if you have any follow up questions or need more situation-specific advice!
Cuddles,
Scarlett
Scarlett Kage 