From my very early forays into kink and BDSM play in my early 20s, there have always been those that see our labels and roles as strict rules and regulations. As a species, we are obsessed with organizing and categorizing in order to create meaning out of our realities, so this is not something unique to the BDSM community.
Kink, like art–like many things–is subjective. Yet, there are always those casting judgment on others based on whether or not they fit their individual interpretation of what that role means and entails.
Starting out, I was every-so-often told that I was not a real dom. If you’ve seen my videos you’ve no doubt seen my sadistic glee turn to high-pitch giddiness. I laugh and smile, even while dominating.
I believe that kink is play, and that there is no need to take it too seriously.
I was at one point labeled a “Bubblegum Domme”– whatever that means…
And even now as I do this professionally, as I create and post and share content, I see the same rhetoric come up again and again.
People who know that I am a Dominatrix are surprised to meet me as someone who can be kind and gentle and stay out of the limelight. The surprise comes from the caricaturish perception of what a Dominatrix is and how she should and should not behave.
I’ve had submissives ask me how they can make their Dominant significant others more dominant; illustrating that they expect this role of female dominance to be an unchanging, constant personality trait and that who they are as human beings is secondary to that role.
Then there are “fans” of FemDom who insist that women who are into cuckolding are not real Dommes, because receiving penetrative sex from a “bull” means that they are submitting to them.
What you see in porn is what the creators have chosen to include and what they want you to see. What you see in porn has gone through the lens of what the creator wants to tell, which first had to go through the lens, the sieve, of what sells; it is a fraction of a twisted fraction of reality.
And our reality has been influenced by long-standing sexist beliefs on how women should behave. These beliefs are often brought into FemDom and the opinion that the Female Dominant should act more masculine (ie-not receive penetrative sex, not be cute, etc.), because the inherent credence is that to be Dominant is to be masculine.
No. Those opinions are intrinsically false.
The only “right” way for a FemDom to behave is however she pleases, as long as she is doing right by her submissives and her own set of beliefs.
You know who’s qualified to judge whether or not someone else fits into the label they’ve given themselves? The person playing the role. If you feel submissive, you are being submissive. If you feel dominant, you are being dominant.
Perhaps, instead of wondering whether the femme whose videos you are watching is a real FemDom ask yourself if you are behaving as a real submissive while casting judgment on a dominant party.
Dominatingly,
Scarlett Kage
Scarlett Kage 