Kink and BDSM are about self-exploration, about learning of our darker natures that are often in opposition to what larger society deems to be ‘normal’, or ‘safe’, or ‘appropriate’. It is my opinion, and that of many others, that those who engage in BDSM without pursuing self-growth are a potential, and inevitable, danger to themselves and others.
One resource that I love, and which has helped me tremendously in my interpersonal relationships, is The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
While his writing is a bit heteronormative and old fashioned, I find that it is a truly remarkable way to assess not just our emotional needs, but those of others’. And as vanilla as this book and its writer may be, this mind-set has helped me tremendously in my Kink practice, privately and professionally.
If you’ve never heard of the 5 Love Languages, or have and are curious if your scores have changed, take the quiz here.
Becoming familiar with your own Love Language will enable you to really understand the deep emotional needs behind your kinks and fetishes and how those needs can help you manifest your fantasies into reality.
The 5 Love Languages and some kinks and fetishes that align with them:
Words of Affirmation: Praise and Degradation/Humiliation.
Words are power. Words have magic in them that can make someone feel like a supreme being, or bring deep shame to the surface.
If you’ve seen my videos, you know that this is one of my Love Languages. Sex, play, kink, interpersonal interactions should not be silent, unless the absence of words is used as punishment.
What would you like me to call you? What do you dread to be called because it brings such an intense physical sensation to your body that you feel you no longer belong to yourself?
Are you a gorgeous and precious baby, or a pathetic and disgusting waste of a life?
Physical Touch: Sensualism/Pleasure and Sensation Play/Pain.
So many of us thirst for touch, for any semblance of bodily and physical contact that even the dark side of touch can feel like a gift.
We are so trapped in our minds in this modern society that often those seeking submission just want to become nothing more than a physical body. They want sensation, pleasure, pain, and for their minds to become silenced as a result of overwhelming physical stimuli.
Perhaps you are a Pleasure Dom, or a Physical Sadist. Perhaps you’re both or somewhere in between and you feel most connected to your submissive when your hand is on their skin, or tugging on their leash, or gripping the handle of whatever instrument acts as the bridge between your bodies.
Acts of Service: Domestic Servitude, Tasks, and Findom
Service Subs are my Fave! One of my long-term partners and I began our relationship through Domestic Servitude. There is nothing that makes me feel like more of a Goddess than having a cute submissive folding my underwear and washing my dishes.
As vanilla as this kink may seem, it stems from a deep need to care for others and be cared for. In this day and age when everyone is so busy, our attentions are being constantly pulled from one meme or video to the next, having someone give us the gift of time is the ultimate luxury.
More kinky and taboo versions of this are giving and receiving BDSM tasks, and Findom. Coming up with the perfectly shameful and naughty task is as much a service as completing and showing proof of that task. It is a way of caring for others’ deviant and darker needs. And while Findom may feel like it aligns more with Gift Giving, I feel that it aligns more with the gift of time and leisure because it is the willing giving of money, rather than a material good.
Acts of Service is more about creating opportunities for making the Dominant partner happy, of making their lives easier in a way that is intangible but still incredibly meaningful. It is up to the Dominant party to create and gift these opportunities for their submissive.
Gift Giving: Symbols and Blackmail/Withholding
It wasn’t until recently that I realized that Gift Giving was much deeper than I’d originally thought. Gift Giving is about symbols, it’s about physical manifestations and representations of love and joy and shared experiences.
When looked through the lens of symbolism, BDSM is very much about Gift Giving. The exchange of collars in the community is, for many, a very deep and meaningful ritual akin to a wedding band. As are chastity devices, bruises, welts, scratches. Gift Giving is visual and very, very tangible.
Gift Giving can be allowing a submissive partner to see us undressed, to worship us when they usually cannot, to free them from chastity when they’ve been patient and obedient, to allow them to orgasm.
Darker sides of Gift Giving can be: withholding affection, withholding the ability for them to look upon our bodies, and Blackmail. Blackmail is the antithesis of a Gift. It is a dark curse that the Dominant holds—its absence is the gift. Every minute that the proof of shame is held and not divulged, not shared, is a gift given to the submissive partner.
Whether giving, receiving, or withholding, there is deeper meaning to this power exchange. Fetish wear, tools, collars, cages, photos or videos that would decimate our lives if they were shared, are all symbols of control, of trust, of a darker intimacy between people.
Quality Time: Creating Space and Ignoring/Neglecting
In vanilla relationships as in kink ones, Quality Time pairs well with the other Love Languages. If your Love Language is Quality Time, you care less about what’s happening and more about being in the others’ presence.
Some kinks that illustrate Quality Time are using or being used as human furniture, pet play, bondage, and chastity. Human furniture or human artwork goes alongside Acts of Service, but there is no tangible result from the action other than the experience of being in submission, or in domination, of the other partner. Often the joy comes from the length of time this act takes, from seeing how long the submissive can last in supporting or entertaining their Dominant.
The aspect of Pet Play that incorporates cage play is also Quality Time, or simply spending time with their Dominant while in the mindset of being a loyal and loving pet. One of my partners loves incorporating caged “alone time” while I work or do other tasks, and often doesn’t feel alone, but as if they are with me via the cage.
Similarly, bondage is a way of spending passive Quality Time. As long as one partner is in restraints, time is being spent together. Being in chastity has the same effect, paired with the symbolism of the cage and the key, it enables two partners in a dynamic to feel as if they are in each others’ orbits while being apart.
The more sadistic side of Quality Time is Ignoring and Neglecting. While quality time does not always require attention or immediate play, it does require some sort of connection to be made. Ignoring and neglecting (forgetting) brings shame into play.
Oh you’re still here? I didn’t notice. Oh you need my attention? You’re not worthy of it.
These kinks make that need for attention and acknowledgement sharp, make it sting. And make us feel helpless. The more attention we try to gain, the more we’re ignored, the sweeter that emotional pain becomes, the rawer that want for connection.
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Thoughts? Do you agree with my categorization of some of these kinks? Do you have others you’d like to pair with a Love Language? Let me know and comment below!
Lovingly,
Scarlett Kage
Scarlett Kage 